So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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