there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
