dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
