Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
