dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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