i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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