i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
