Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
