ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
