Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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