I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
