how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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