And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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