I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
