I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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