Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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