Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She swung at the pinata with crutches
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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