Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We're too hungover to prance.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
