the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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