i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
