just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
