sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
