Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
