it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Randomize
