Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
