okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Randomize
