Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
