apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
