Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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