There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
