tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
