I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
