She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
either way he was missing a nipple.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
