Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
