I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
