Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
