I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
