He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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