I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
