Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
