I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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