Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
