Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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