roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
