I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
