i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
