On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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