You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
