I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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