I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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